Piranha 3D

Directed by: Alexandre Aja
Written by: Pete Goldfinger & Josh Stolberg
Full credits at IMDb

Director Alexander Aja seems a lot harder on his characters than he is on himself. Piranha 3D, a bloodbath spectacular set during spring break debauchery—Hip Shakin’ Mamas in 3D might be more like it, as it boasts more T&A than any studio movie since the 1970s—is not for want of leering objectifiers. Chief among them, however, is the camera itself.

A monster movie should be fun. But for a long time, this one is never more fun than another fast-motion montage of topless women gyrating to generic hip-hop. Bonered boys cheer-on motorboating lesbians; a girl-on-girl underwater ballet/make-out session is scored outrageously to Delibes. “It’s like fish with boobies,” one onlooker remarks. “If fish looked like that,” his friend answers, “I’d only fuck fish.” That friend is Jerry O’Connell, putting his naturally unappealing unctuousness to good use as a Joe Francis stand-in, godfather here of the “Wild Wild Girls” series. Early on, Aja seems to enjoy this depravity as much as the titty-loving villain. But, apparently, he’s only setting up such degeneracy so he can smack it down. This being a horror movie, a man as lecherous as O’Connell can’t escape punishment, and Piranha 3D finally metes it out with glee.

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